Finding the words

In this month’s View From The Engine Room the WORKING SBM discusses why we should no longer keep a British stiff-upper lip, and should tell those around us how we truly are 

Over the last year, how many times have you asked a colleague, “How are you?” and not really expected an answer? I know that if the same question is asked of me I often say, “I’m fine,” when I know I’m not. Not really. How can anyone be ‘fine’? But we accept the answer and move on.

I sometimes wonder if I am ever going to start finding the words to express how I am feeling without over-burdening, embarrassing or upsetting those around me? Should I worry about doing that? I also have concerns that, if I were to open up, I might not be able to close that sluice gate!

During the pandemic my husband, who has been working from home solidly since the start of lockdown, has taken an almost daily late afternoon visit to our local supermarket. A few weeks ago, on a Thursday, he was cheerily asked at the checkout, “Have you had a good day?”

Now what he wanted to say was, “Not really. I have just been to the hospital to say goodbye to my Mum who is receiving palliative care for coronavirus.” But what he actually said was, “Yes, thank you.” We work hard to protect the feelings of others, sometimes without consideration for our own feelings – that, typically-British, ‘stiff upper lip’.

As a school business manager (SBM) I often feel responsible for the wellbeing of staff. In good times past I’ve helped arrange Christmas parties, end-of-term dos, fun activities and treats in the staff room. I’ve listened to, and suggested, solutions to difficulties while filling out individual risk assessments, and I’ve been a willing sounding board should anyone need one.

In the recent, not-so-good, times I seem to have functioned more on practicalities, focusing on what needs to be done to keep everyone safe from the virus, rather than finding solutions to support how individual staff are feeling and their mental health; keyworker student rotas, cleaning regimes, testing centres and return to school risk assessments rather than dwelling for too long on what is happening in my community, and how it is affecting me and my friends and colleagues.

Of course, I know what you are going to say, “We can’t do it all!” We can minimise risks, and we can try to make the day easier for everyone, but we just can’t protect everyone from the personal impacts of a global pandemic – if they will even tell us what they are experiencing.

Of course, that is not to say I don’t care how my colleagues are feeling, just that I’m not sure how to help them with something which has had such a profound effect on our whole way of life. So, I think, as a consequence, I don’t expect them to know how to help me.

This term, as we finally begin to move out of lockdown, I want to start changing the way I communicate with colleagues as we rush past each other in the corridor. I want to start finding the words that make sense – words that give us an opportunity to talk if we need to – and words that make us feel like there is someone there who is not just listening, but hearing.

First of all, I’m going to make a massive effort to slow down! This is not going to be easy for any SBM but I’m going to try to stop and look my colleagues in the eye as I greet them. Instead of “Good morning, how are you?” I’m going to say, “Good morning, do you have everything you need today?”

If they would like to talk for a moment, I’m going to give them that time and recognise that it is as important – especially for the next few weeks – as the testing, the meeting I have scheduled with a contractor, my budget and my growing unread email inbox!

I’ve also decided to have a few useful (but not overly obvious) phrases up my sleeve so that they know I’m here.

“It’s so lovely to see you; what are you enjoying most about being back in school?”

“Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“Have you started to make any summer holiday plans?”

“How is your team/department/tutor group feeling today?”

There is so much support online, and in our wider communities, to help us maintain our mental health but it depends on our willingness to accept that all is not well – and our ability to find the words and ask for that support. So, if someone asks me how I’m feeling, I’m going to tell them. “I’ve been up and down, but I’m so glad that everyone is back and I’m looking forward to working with you again.”

I think we should all start to find words that don’t shut down the conversation that it is vital we talk about, now more than ever.