Ever felt like some friendships are harder work than others? Laura Williams explores the complexities of navigating relationships, work challenges and the importance of empathy when others don’t always see the full picture
Recently, I was catching up with a friend and the topic turned to how I fell out with another friend. I’m not someone who falls in and out of friendships lightly but if things go awry, I’m someone who tries to keep things as smooth and as civil as possible for all involved. We’re all adults, after all!
A Complicated Situation
But sometimes, things happen and that’s not possible, and in this instance me and the other person ended up going our separate ways. It was a complicated thing (as these things so often are), and those that know us both have reached a place of understanding that the situation just ‘is what it is…’
Until this recent conversation where a friend said: ‘Oh, you two are still fell out? Life’s too short to stay fell out.” Now generally, I agree. Life is too short to hold grudges but, in some scenarios, this kind of broad-brush statement is an oversimplification and a little bit hurtful. How could such a nuanced and complex situation be boiled down to a snap judgement like that?
I had hoped that my friend, who knew a fair bit about what had gone on would have been more understanding, but she had either forgotten or genuinely felt it didn’t matter so much anymore. I didn’t ask which of these it was but instead replied that life is too short to engage and deal with the kind of things that that ‘friendship’ had brought me.
I felt annoyed and defensive and half expected her to come back at me, but she nodded in apparent agreement and said ‘oh yeah, for sure’ before switching topics without a second thought. It was clear then that not only was my recollection of events sharper and perhaps a little rawer but that hers was a little fuzzy and a lot less invested and interested!
Flash Back to my SBL Days
So many times, I would be navigating my way carefully through really difficult situations, dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s only for someone to crash land into the middle of it all – tell me exactly what they thought, stick their oar in uninvited and make things ten times worse – without having a Scooby-Doo about what was going on!
So much of what we do, whether it’s navigating relationships or the endless flood of funding applications, recruitment drives, catering contracts and everything else that keeps our school running, is all about the details. And so often there will be people around us who don’t have the details or an understanding of our specific context or need – ready to wade in and make some waves! This may be a head who has shot down a new idea, teachers who refuse to budge on a system change, or an SLT that don’t see the need for something you know could make all the difference.
Be More Chandler
My advice to you when you’re feeling frustrated in these situations – and to myself in this case – is to remember the human element. People may not have all the details or understand the full context, but they’re doing their best with what they know. What’s important, obvious or perhaps even a little sensitive for us may mean a lot less to someone else – and that’s ok.
Whatever you’re doing this week that has you deep in the weeds, remember that those around you are looking at the situation from a few miles out. Try and approach any conflicts or differing opinions with empathy and patience, recognising that everyone is doing their best from their perspective. Where you can and if it’s worth it, embrace the opportunity to share your insights and bridge those gaps in understanding. And if you can’t, or your situation is like mine – leave them be and let it go.
We don’t always have to be like Monica, trying to get our point across. Sometimes, it’s perfectly fine to sit back like Chandler and crack a joke or throw out a sarcastic comment! Not everyone is going to hear or understand us – but more importantly, we don’t need to be heard or understood by everyone. You know what’s true and you know what’s right and that’s all that matters.
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