Laura Williams, school leadership coach, trainer and SBL podcast host, discusses how best to react to other’s opinions so that you can stop the dreaded imposter syndrome from creeping in
Read the full article below or read on page 10 in our October magazine
A few months ago I was shopping in Tesco and I overheard a little girl telling her mum that she wasn’t going to eat the food her mum had just put in the trolley because she didn’t like it. Mum, rather amused, rationalised that, as she hadn’t tried it before, she couldn’t know whether she truly liked it or not. The little girl was not having any of it, and a full-on (light-hearted and cute) debate ensued that lasted for two whole aisles.
At the time, I was shopping with my mum, and she laughed and said that I was the same when I was younger; a little girl with big opinions who loved a debate.
Of course, that’s exactly how my mum wanted me to be – and it’s true; I’m never short of an opinion, nor the confidence to share it! When you’re young, sharing your opinions, loud and unfiltered, is considered cute and funny but, as you get older, you learn the importance of timing (definitely an art!) and how to share your opinions in a more professional and tactful way.
However…
Not everybody develops this skill.
I guarantee that you know someone who is not only full of opinions but has the worst timing, worst delivery and worst articulation ever. Do they do this on purpose? Probably not – but if someone gives you their unfiltered, unsolicited – and potentially unkind – opinion straight out of the gate (on a regular basis) this can be a real confidence knocker.
Because sometimes, when someone hits us with an opinion, it feels like judgement.
That feeling of being judged, and being found wanting, is something that I know many fellow SBLs struggle with – it hits us right in that spot; the spot where imposter syndrome lives. So here’s my take on how to deal with other people’s opinions – especially if you find yourself feeling judged and vulnerable.
Look at who the person is.
Is it someone you know, trust, love and respect? Are they an expert in the topic they have an opinion about? Have they got a good reason to believe their input will be useful to you?
Look at what they’ve said.
Is what they’ve said true? Sure, their delivery might sting, but do they have a point? Is there anything you can learn or use to help you be better or do better?
Consider why they’ve said it.
Do they care about you, or what you’re trying to achieve? Are they trying to help you? What is their motivation for sharing their opinion with you?
If someone is sharing an opinion that is not only personal, but also negative, it’s more likely that not only will you remember it, you’ll believe it – because you’ll dismiss anything positive.
Do not fall into this trap!
Opinions are subjective.
Opinions are not facts.
Take them or leave them.
Literally, take what’s useful and dump the rest.
Of course, it’s normal to reflect on comments, and question ourselves (and we absolutely should!) especially if someone’s opinion doesn’t sit with our own – but don’t lose perspective. An opinion, is just that – an opinion. It may not have been shared at the best time, or in the best way, it may even feel brutal and unfair – but it’s worth remembering that just because it has been said, doesn’t make it true.
Even if the person who said it is paid more than you, it doesn’t mean that they’re right.
So, the next time you come across someone with opinion-based verbal diarrhoea, wang a mental ‘warning’ label on what they’ve said and remember that, when all is said and done, the only opinion that truly counts is yours.Being able to create a superhero shield to help you deal with and, where necessary, deflect negative opinion is an essential survival skill in the SBL role.
We need to be able to filter accordingly without absorbing inaccurate, negative and toxic views that paralyse us and make us feel ‘less’. Struggling with our own negative thoughts about ourselves or our performance is bad enough without worrying about what others might be thinking as well!
So, let’s talk about imposter syndrome.
It’s something I speak to SBLs about a lot. It’s not SBL-specific but because we are often the ‘only ones’ in our schools, that feeling that we don’t deserve to be there, or that we’re about to be found out, can become overwhelming, isolating and, at times, debilitating.
We keep the school running, but we’re not in charge and because we do a bit of everything, it can make us question if we’re really good at anything. If you’ve ever felt like this, then here’s the best tip I’ve ever come across (and it works!)
“Shine your light out, not in” – Marie Forleo
Instead of focusing on why you feel like an imposter, focus on other people and how you can help them; how you can add value, how you can make an impact?
When you shine out, and you take concrete action to help others, to do what needs to be done and to do it to the best of your ability, you are proving yourself wrong and, in this situation, that’s a good thing. When you shine out and not in, those imposter feelings are not the focus of your attention and overlooking them will diminish them.
The truth is that feeling like an imposter DOES NOT mean you are one! You want to be your best, you want to do the best for your school because you care and caring about your school, the work you do and how well you do it, doesn’t make you bad at it. (Sounds silly now I’ve said that right?!) Caring about how well you do your job means that you’re self-aware – you question yourself, you want to find out what you need to know so you can do the right thing and do it well.
And that’s a superpower right there.
…And let me tell you a little secret – all of us feel like an imposter at times and every single SBL – yes, including you – is a bona fide superhero.
Remember:
“We are only what we do, not what we say we are” – Isadore Sharp
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